Ramblings..

Ah.. I don't know why I'm updating.. Just feel like writing and I don't want to type it on my xanga which I  haven't posted in in forever either.

I don't know, thinking of having plans to move to Vancouver (Province all the way to the left people), after I'm done this course. I have a final Tuesday then I'll be an LPN - Licensed Practitioner Nurse. Or I can practice as one anyway. Ah.. things are.. difficult.. mentally I guess. Well physically the last two days but I'll not go into that. May 1st I start my Spring class since spring classes are awesome. 1st or 2nd to 19th, weekdays 9-12, and you finish an entire course. Sweet deal. I'm just doing it so I don't have to worry about it in the 'Winter'. Philosophy. I should be studying, did I mention that?

Ah.. so.. Brother's moving out in August, I plan on staying home but apparently I need a job to be left home. That's alright with me as long as I don't miss the events. Heritage Days and the Parade downtown.. Animethon's in June or July this year. Kinda interesting. Did I mention that I get to have a mini-graduation? That's on the 1st too. I get a certificate of completion. -sighs-

Too much is on my mind I guess. Been wondering lately where all our pasts go, they formulate our present, show us what not to do in the future, but more along the lines of if people that actually remember me think I've forgotten them. I don't forget people like that. Not the key ones. I guess.. everyone has that negative thinking that will make them think no one remembers them. Sorta.. I know a few people that wouldn't think that.

I kind of feel like erasing some of the past. Some.. but there's no point. Hm, been accused of being aneorexic quite a bit lately. But that's because we had to do assessments as part of lab and I'm tiny. Maybe those people should hang out with me more and find out the truth.

Ah.. was fairly depressed yesterday. Why.. lots of reasons.. But usually the one I get down to is me being mean to people. Even if I was too young to remember or know better. Just stories really.. but they make me sad.. I don't know. Hurt seems to make up a great deal of this world. This is right and that is wrong. Should done, should've said, shouldn't have.

And relationships.. that completely mystifies me. I don't.. -sighs- I don't know if I'm just to stupid to see things.. I very well might be. I used to be a lot smarter. [Chorus of you are smart!]. Grade's 8 and 9.. good times, when you can read anything, do anything, help others with things. I liked that.. helping people with things. Might be why I'm on the path I am now.. but maybe I'd be better off as a school teacher. Teaching little kids rather than adults.. but then I could always work in pediatrics and now I'm so very far off.

I don't know what these things are <back on topic> And yes, that's partly my fault I guess. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm supposed to be alone but then my friend showed me they'd be there for me and that no matter the distance they Are still a friend. I think.. I realized that for the first time.. kind of nice. So sure I don't have friends here that'll do things with me but I do have friends, places.

I get jealous of my brother a lot. He's had friends around this area since he was in junior high or earlier. Ah well.. I'll learn to drive soon, really learn, pass the test and spend all day in the back of my car with no insurance, just lie there content.. I love my boat-car..

No I can't stay on topic, my mind's going in too many directions at once and I don't want to focus.. Sometimes I think I want to see what the future will be like, then others I don't think I'd care if it ended now. Sometimes I sit in the basement and wonder what's going on as if it's a movie and a disaster will happen to ruin the earth and I'm just sitting there.. not doing anything of importance.

But.. back to relationships. It's not so much as I don't understand them.. I don't understand why other people have them. What is it to them? A feeling that holds them together? Well not so much even that.. ah I don't know what I'm saying. I can't.. consider things. I can't explain. I've ranted on long enough..

Um.. I have to go away for a while..

I'm scared, sad, worried.. I don't trust myself. I need to go away for a while..

So yeah.. once I put my mind back together again.. If I can put it back together again..

-thinks biting her lip before nodding- I'll be back then..

I washed away a part of me today.

Not a good piece. With any self-conscious luck I won't be that way again. I am self-conscious and self-critical, usually not in any positive manner.. but this flaw delt with something else.

Treat people how you'd wish to be treated. Most people who know me would wonder what I'm talking about right about now. But no. They're wrong today.

I complain about my brother most of all. I tell people things, about how he is, and the stupid things he does. But I shouldn't.. Even if I think it's true..

Why though? Would you want someone who you Live with to openly tell others about the things you do? Shoot you down at every corner? I wouldn't. My brother openly called me stupid in front of people and I went up to my room and cried. Crying now too.

We went to some people's house. 'Aunt and Uncle' that we've known and been going to their house since we were small. We lost touch a lot but we still see them every now and then. For most of the visit with our company from Vancouver who visited us till yesterday from Christmas day, I said bad things about him. Or unfavorable ones. Telling stories and calling him stupid for the stupid things he was doing. One of the girls went and told her mom how mean I was to him, and her mom told my mom. And my mom told me.. twice. And I cried both times.

See I am a horrible person.

I washed that away.. I might be all the more quieter for it.. but that's far better than saying those things..

That and the yelling. When you have company over it stops.. I fogot about it. It's not directed at me. Usually my brother, but they really do beat him down with their words. I was going to hug him.. but he went and did something stupid again. "I was going to hug you.. but you're mean."

So while things might be true.. I'll keep them to myself..

And number two. While people (aunts on my dad's side) might think I should improve my appearance. To be prettier. I don't think so. I will when I'm ready.

And why do I choose this?

Simple. To not deceive. Andrea our guest is very pretty, she knows all about clothing and makeup and I don't. She has a wealth of knowledge and she's nice on top of that. But how can you work on the exterior when the interior isn't there to match it? This is my bane. Once I feel like a person.. when I  have a definite personality and I know myself better. When I care about the person on the inside.. then I'll do something about the outside.

Another reason I was so mean to my brother.. I'm jealous. He has friends, he can make jokes, -tear- He can communicate with people without messing up his sentences. People listen to him. I feel invisible when we go places.. No one hears when I speak.. so I trail off without anyone noticing. Sit quietly and listen even though no one seems to notice that I'm there anyway..
So when I speak about him and get heard.. I keep going.. not conciously maybe.. but that's what happened.

I'm sorry I'm this way. I won't be anymore.